Real Self-Love

We might think we’re good at self-love when we pamper ourselves or splurge on something we don’t need, but those actions can have little to do with true self-love and more to do with trying to fill an energetic void; an ache that comes from feeling uncomfortable about who we are or where we are in life.

Maybe it’s because of how we’ve let other people treat us in the past, and now that we know we deserve better (which is progress!), we reward ourselves for everything we’ve been through. That sounds like self-love, right? Unfortunately, it’s not. That’s just reinforcing the idea that we accepted something that shouldn’t have been for us, trying to make up for it. But what if it was for us? Not in the sense that we deserved it, but that it was an experience meant to shape us into the person we are becoming.

I know you are someone with so much love to give. That’s why you get hurt, because you are willing to love deeply. And that’s the best way to be, my friend. If you resisted getting hurt, you would never be able to feel and receive the kind of love that can truly change everything. This is not a flaw; it’s a beautiful gift, and I hope you can see that.

Take a moment and think about how you show up for those you love, how you give love and support to family and friends when they are hurting, when they are feeling down about themselves or struggling with what they’ve been through. Do you buy them gifts or send them to the spa? Probably not. You listen to them. You give them a safe space to unload, to feel the emotions and let them all out. You remind them that they didn’t deserve what happened, that things will turn around for them, and that you’re there for them whenever they need you.

And yet, how do you treat yourself when you reflect on what you’ve been through? Do you give yourself that same compassion and grace? Or do you criticize yourself for falling into situations that hurt you? Do you reassure yourself that you’re better off now, or do you berate yourself for “allowing” something to happen?

It’s time to give yourself the same grace that you give to others. You are not a victim, and as long as you keep telling yourself that story, you will struggle to move on. Instead, I encourage you to sit with it. Feel everything that comes up when you consider all that you have been through and where it has led you. Ask yourself, what was the lesson? Try looking at it from a different perspective, and if that feels impossible, talk to someone you trust who can give you that different perspective. And then believe it.

Self-love is doing the right thing even when it’s the hard thing; it’s not giving up completely because of one setback; it’s absolutely knowing that you deserve the life you want and dream of and being willing to make the sacrifices that it will take to see it materialize. Self-love is believing in yourself, in your journey, wherever it may take you, trusting that whatever unfolds is happening at the right time and in the right way. Self-love is allowing yourself to feel it all, embrace it all, without expectation of where it leads. 

The discomfort that comes with this, with letting go of the victim story we’ve told ourselves, is because we think there needs to be blame and if it’s not someone else's fault then it must be ours to own. We think we were wrong for allowing this to happen; that we should have prevented it; we should have seen the red flags; we should have listened to the warnings; we should have known better. But it’s ok. It is OK that we experienced what we did. We are still here. We are stronger and wiser because of it. And if we face something similar again, it won’t be the same because this time, we know better. Unless, of course, we didn’t learn anything!

Self-love is forgiving yourself for all of it, because the truth is, you always do the best you can in every situation. Always. If you’re repeating a pattern, it’s not because you’re failing, it’s because you haven’t learned everything in the lesson yet. But even in that, you are still doing your best. There is no blame here, not for yourself, not for anyone else. No matter how much we’d like to think otherwise, just like you, everyone else is doing the best they can with the experiences and knowledge they have.

This was a hard one for me. I was selective about who I believed this about. I easily accepted that my parents did their best, even though, like everyone, I have childhood wounds to heal. I know I have always done my best for my kids, even though I know I’ve failed them in ways they’ll need to heal from (there is no perfection in parenting). But accepting this truth about the people who deliberately and maliciously hurt me? That one took time. I didn’t even realize I was holding onto it, but I had so much bitterness, and it needed somewhere to go.

But let me tell you, letting go of it? It’s freeing. Because even intentionally cruel actions come from a place of limitation; it is all that person knows how to do.  People can only act from the knowledge and experience they have and so they measure their actions based on their own past experiences, as we all do. That doesn’t mean their actions are okay, but it does mean that when we understand this, it becomes easier to accept and that acceptance brings us peace. Because the truth is, their treatment of you was never personal. It was never about you. It was always about them And on the flip side, if you blame someone else for what you've been through, then you also have to give them credit for all that you can become, because it's your journey that makes you - and they definitely don't deserve that, you do!

So forgive yourself. Not for what happened, but for believing you had to carry the weight of it. You don’t. You never did. And that? That is the self-love I’m talking about.